New Horizons

Four Non Blonds in their song What’s going on wrote “twenty five years and my life is still, trying to get up that great big hill of hope to a destination”. This song has been ringing in my ears recently.

For almost twenty five years drugs have been in my family. And everyday we’ve grappled with the great big hill of hope, hope for a life free of drugs, hope for a life free of anxiety of what will happen, hope for a life free of harm. It’s been a very long journey.

The journey started without us, but we were very soon travelling companions. There were small signs/ steps initially; the anger, the arguments; the holes in the wall, things going missing, he went missing. Burgulary, violence, death, prison.  An avalanche of anger, fear and despair. Would he survive, would we survive?

Do we cut ties, let him go on his path alone? Do we hang in, how do we hang in? How do we hold onto hope?

We grappled with acceptance, grappled with harm minimisation, grappled with acceptable boundaries, grappled with responsibility, grappled with pain and we grappled with guilt. What helped was thinking about and experiencing his many roles.  Loyal defender, humorous comedian, creative cook.

Psychodrama and PIM has been my belayer, my safety harness.  No matter how tenuous my grip on hope, I’ve been held. As we’ve climbed the hill or crashed down, you’ve been my companion.

You’ve helped me sustain myself and maintain my belief in the power of relationship, the power of connection.

For the first time in 25 years his eyes are clear, vivid, sparkling, determined. I’d not realised how clouded they’ve been until now.

The power of relationship; the power of purpose; the power of a new life in the family; the role of father;  the joy of a daughter. He’s thrown out his bong, gone cold turkey. His eyes are clear.

A decisive decision, to maintain his relationship with his daughter for now, for the future.  New emerging roles. Hope is strong.

Like the bear that went to the top of the mountain to see what he could see, it feels like we’re at the top of our hill looking at a new horizon. The journey isn’t over, but there’s a sense of new paths being taken, on a different side of the hill.

I am excited, I am proud. I have an amazing brother.

Anonymous 2013